Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
