i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
