whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
