update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
