i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
