I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
birth control should be required to get into college
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
