my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
