as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
