i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
