Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
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