i think my tv is drunk
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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