It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
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