party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
