i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
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