I didn't shave. On purpose
"women exchanges sex for chips" on msnbc
damn even the hoes are getting hit by this economy
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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