I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Randomize
