You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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