No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
