Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
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