Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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