my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
