dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
