if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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