From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
