Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Randomize
