we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
