she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
tequila makes me forget i have legs
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
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