I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Randomize
