rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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