The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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