Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
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