I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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