Im at strip club and am horny
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I need to sanitize my soul.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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