3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
