is your mom at the bar?
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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