If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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