my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize