I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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