I'm eating all of the evidence.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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