New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
