i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
