You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
