We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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