Your face is a jimmy john
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
