he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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