You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Randomize
