Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
Operation Purity has been aborted
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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