Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
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