I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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