I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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