The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
