saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
