He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
