i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize