i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
