I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize