the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
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