I think i peed on brittanys purse
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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