New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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