If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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